Category Archives: Mrs. Ex

Being a Christian Ex

I wonder sometimes what people think of me from the outside of my own head. Not in some narcissistic line of thinking but do I portray what I think I am portraying in my head? I may think that I’m being nice when I’m actually being condescending. I may think I am fighting the good fight but all I may be doing is losing focus on the big picture.

I’ve read on different blogs, tweets, whatnots about people and their interactions with “Christians”. Why use the quotes? Because that’s how their tone is. Like if they weren’t a Christian, it would be ok to be a jerk or whatever they were complaining about. I think it’s this skewed perspective on what we really are as Christians.

We’re not perfect we’re Imperfect.

I am 100% flawed. Really, ask anyone (even my EX!). Now, that imperfection doesn’t ever give me the right to fall back on stupidity. God gave me discernment for a reason. I don’t need to act like a jerk – my attitude is my choice whether I am “Christian” or not.

Should I know better? I think that’s really what people are trying to get to when they point out “Oh, and supposedly they are a Christian”. Yes, I should know better. I am given a instruction book for life in the Bible. Do I give in to my human emotions and act rashly or harshly? Yep, I do.

My point here is this: Yeah, I’m a Christ follower. I strive to be more like Him daily. Daily I falter and daily I learn more and more about who I am with Him in me. My conviction increases for those things that I am shown need to change. It just doesn’t happen overnight.

I’m a work in progress. What are you?


More into American History EX (me!)

Living single is tough – When I began the road of healing from past bad relationships, I realized just HOW unhealthy my pursuits were.

One particular weekend, I was hanging at someone’s apartment pursuing yet another “unattainable”. I was just looking for the opportunity to hang out, be near, be close and edge out anyone else who might be there for the same thing (he had a couple of girls after him at the time).

Now, Balaam’s story is here.. but basically: there was an angel of the Lord sent to Balaam and the donkey he was riding saw it, but he didn’t.. so the donkey got out of the way, Balaam got angry. Three times the donkey did this and Balaam finally GOT IT when the donkey says in verse 28, “What have I done to make you hit me three times?” They have a dialogue and then Balaam sees the angel of the Lord on the road. Whoops..

So, on this particular weekend, I needed a ride home. I have no idea how I even got there but at any rate, I was milling around waiting for whats-his-face to get stuck into taking me home. Well, there was another guy there too. We’ll call him Joe. Joe was overweight, smoker, owned a porno shop (or managed it, not sure on that one) and was just rough around the edges. He and I never had much interaction although I ran into him a lot during parties that I invited myself into. Joe offered to take me home and in my absolute inability to say no to anyone – I agreed and got into his van.

Now, let me tell you – this wasn’t just any van. We’re talking a big, scary, white “hey little girl can you help me find my puppy” van.

He drove me home and when we arrived, I thanked him for the ride and proceeded to get out. He stopped me by saying, “hold on a minute, I have something to say..” Uh oh, I thought. Here it comes. He likes me or something, he’s going to want something from me. Ick, ugh!

He asked, “What’s the most important thing to you in your life?”
“Well”, I replied, “my son of course!” (Like, duh dude, I have a kid remember?)
He spat back, “Then why don’t you start f*cking acting like it?” And he proceeded to give me a lecture about how I had been behaving, how he’d been watching me pursue this particular guy and a couple of others and how this wasn’t good for my son. (wow, didn’t realize people actually KNEW what I was doing.)

Here’s the deal: Joe was not THE thing that made me turn my life around but he opened my eyes and he was one part of a long string of things that lead me to where I am now. God gave a donkey a voice to help Balaam open his eyes and God showed up by using the most unlikely of characters to open mine.

Who is in your life – holding all the signs and signals for you to stop your bad behavior, your sin, your vice..? Or, who was one person that stepped in and spoke into your life unexpectedly?

American History Ex

Maya Angelou said, “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”

As an ex, I can’t say that I have operated above the board at all times. I have been, well, let’s just say: A big dooty face!

I had some belief systems set at a pretty young age about how divorce is supposed to go. Now, let me preface this by saying that neither parent of mine are bad people. I don’t believe at my core that they have ever intended to hurt or damage any of their children when it came to the decisions around their divorce. They also have a set of belief systems, products of upbringing, that wasn’t always positive and shaped their world. Most of the decisions were made because that’s the best they knew how to do.

False Belief 1:The children get to choose.

My parents put my brother and I on the task of deciding where we wanted to live. No child is equipped to make the decision. I can recall immediately choosing my father. Personally, I can see where a parent would want to do this. For me, I would want my child to pick me, to somehow reaffirm that I really AM a good parent. Unfortunately, the rationale of a child can be solely based on which parent makes them eat their brussel sprouts (blech!) and which one doesn’t! It isn’t a logical decision when you’re adult but a child cannot think in terms of “long term best interests”. They are thinking, “I hate brussel sprouts! Mom doesn’t make me eat them, so I want to live with Mom!” (This becomes particularly complicated when that parent uses those things against the other parent – that’s a later post).

False Belief 2: The ex is the enemy.

My stepmother, when she came to live with us, changed everything. We got new flooring, wallpaper, paint. She completely overhauled our house. It was in great need of it but my mother was hearing none of it from me. “Don’t talk to me about this stuff, because your father never did any of it for me!” My step-mother, acted similarly toward her making snide comments here and there about how she had treated my dad and how she lived. I just assumed that this was how it was done!

Now, these are only two out of many that shaped my view on how to behave as an Ex.

QUESTION OF THE DAY: What’s your story? Are your parents divorced? Are you divorced? What False Beliefs have you carried as a result?

Not what you EX-pected, is it?

I just couldn’t wait!

Months ago, I was talking to my husband about how I had read Jon Acuff’s book Quitter. In there it talks about him writing his blog and finding his groove. Reading that book coupled with my husband’s “just do it” attitude whenever I shared my big dreams. I have come up with The Factor of Ex.

In 1995, when I was 3 months pregnant, my boyfriend and I split.
In 2005, my husband’s 2nd marriage ended after a 21-month hostile divorce process.

In 2006, we married and navigated life trying to put God at our center, with two children who aren’t related to each other and two EX’s who will always be a part of our lives. I, with 16 years as an EX and he having had 7 years of “experience” I have learned what feels like a lifetime of knowledge on how to behave (and even more on how NOT to behave).

I am not perfect, have screwed up a bunch and I need to learn a whole lot more but I hope that the topics that come up are ones that you can relate to and hopefully take away to use in your own life. Posts will typically come on Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays and all comments are welcome. I’d love to start a dialogue on pretty much everything.

Welcome to The Factor of Ex!