Category Archives: Communication

Ex to the Power of 0

I can recall many-o-occasion where I felt completely powerless over my circumstances. I lived a single-girl life, had a child and here was my ex moving into a relationship that I wasn’t a part of. Add to the fact that I was emotionally unhealthy to handle our interactions and you had one powerless chicky. Although, tell me at the time and I felt like I had all the power in the world. I had the kid full time, so I got to call the shots, right?

Well, that’s actually wrong.

It’s so easy to fall into this trap that I have any sort of power over my ex in who they become, how they behave or how they act in their own home. It’s easy though to feel powerless when I worry about the small details like: Is my child getting fed at appropriate times? Are they being paid attention to? Are they being cared for (the way *I* would do it)?

When it comes down to it, I really need to figure out where my pride comes into the mix because while I’m all stressed out and trying to exert my power over my ex (futilely I may add) I am failing to EXamine one big point: Me. I’m so busy pointing out what they are doing wrong, I am not seeing my own issues.

I had someone throw it back to me once as they were complaining about my Ex. “Well, they don’t feed the kids dinner until 8p.m.,” they exclaimed (looking from a response from me). In that split second before I responded, I realized that I too had not fed my child until late in the evening several nights in a row prior. So what was the big deal?

This is co-parenting and your job is your house – not theirs. Big issues? Ok, get to the heart of those but still, you can’t control the other parent. You can only control yourself.

Here are some things to think about this weekend:

Are you being too proud to admit your own shortfalls as a parent?
Can you ignore the coparent’s minor issues to focus on your own?
Can you admit you’re powerless over your Ex and whatever issues you may perceive?

D.U.C.K. the E.X.

I used to have d.u.c.k. up on my desk at work. I’d get lots of inquiries on what it was and why it was up on my desk. Well, first let me say that I’ve had a conversation this week and now have read a blog about that saying people like to use “Well, that’s the way it’s always been done.”

I hate change. I really do and God finds every opportunity he can to make me change… man! But I think no matter where I am I can get stuck in these ruts of not-changing, not-growing and not taking a risk. People have lots of great ideas on how to make things better, faster and more efficient… including my EX. However, am I letting him speak? Am I so comfortable in “the way” (my way) that I shoot him down? That’s where the d.u.c.k. – We have to be careful on what we say when someone is giving us a good idea (or a bad idea). D.u.c.k. is Don’t Use Conversation Killers.

How many times, in a conversation with your EX, you come up with an idea and they immediately says, “That’s crap” or “That’ll never work.” or “We can’t do that”. You’ve been shot down, dismissed and sometimes really disrespected.

Then flip that around – how many times are you the killer?

In your conversation, if your EX comes up with an idea – good, bad or ugly;

D.U.C.K.!