Maya Angelou said, “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”
As an ex, I can’t say that I have operated above the board at all times. I have been, well, let’s just say: A big dooty face!
I had some belief systems set at a pretty young age about how divorce is supposed to go. Now, let me preface this by saying that neither parent of mine are bad people. I don’t believe at my core that they have ever intended to hurt or damage any of their children when it came to the decisions around their divorce. They also have a set of belief systems, products of upbringing, that wasn’t always positive and shaped their world. Most of the decisions were made because that’s the best they knew how to do.
False Belief 1:The children get to choose.
My parents put my brother and I on the task of deciding where we wanted to live. No child is equipped to make the decision. I can recall immediately choosing my father. Personally, I can see where a parent would want to do this. For me, I would want my child to pick me, to somehow reaffirm that I really AM a good parent. Unfortunately, the rationale of a child can be solely based on which parent makes them eat their brussel sprouts (blech!) and which one doesn’t! It isn’t a logical decision when you’re adult but a child cannot think in terms of “long term best interests”. They are thinking, “I hate brussel sprouts! Mom doesn’t make me eat them, so I want to live with Mom!” (This becomes particularly complicated when that parent uses those things against the other parent – that’s a later post).
False Belief 2: The ex is the enemy.
My stepmother, when she came to live with us, changed everything. We got new flooring, wallpaper, paint. She completely overhauled our house. It was in great need of it but my mother was hearing none of it from me. “Don’t talk to me about this stuff, because your father never did any of it for me!” My step-mother, acted similarly toward her making snide comments here and there about how she had treated my dad and how she lived. I just assumed that this was how it was done!
Now, these are only two out of many that shaped my view on how to behave as an Ex.
QUESTION OF THE DAY: What’s your story? Are your parents divorced? Are you divorced? What False Beliefs have you carried as a result?